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  • Are you so close that the curiosity in your relationship has melted away?

    by Socialosity Wednesday, 28 July 2010 16:51

  • When shopping for clothes do NOT underestimate the importance of proper fit... Dressing rooms are there for a reason.

    by Socialosity Friday, 23 July 2010 17:42

Father and IMy father is one of the most gregarious and affable men I know.  He has a quick-wit, a laugh that can fill the room and a demeanor that draws people to him.  His social strengths are numerous and include being an engaging story-teller and always looking people in the eye.  One day last summer I asked him his most important piece of social advice.  I thought he'd have to mull it over so I was shocked when he came back with a simple one-word answer: "React."   Perfect in it's simplicity, this one word sums up socializing with grace and swagger. 

The simple act of reacting to stimuli is evident in plants growing toward sunshine and our heads turning at the sound of a loud noise.  We are constantly interacting with other people and our reactions range from well thought out comments to unconscious, nonverbal expressions.  In conversations we, more often than not, react to what we thought, or wished we had heard.  Half listening, our responses are merely a distant cousin to the reality of the conversation. The trick is to stay in the moment and trust your natural reactions, be it with a follow-up question or a good laugh.  Relaxing into the back and forth banter is a powerful way to amp up the level of engagement. My father's ability to take on any situation and genuinely react to it is the base of his excellent social prowess.  He still dazzles a room as I watch in awe, thankful for the many things he has taught me over the years.  I challenge you to heed this wisdom from a generation before us and REACT... and don't forget that Father's Day is this Sunday.
loneliness among a crowd
An article I read recently about turning loneliness into a deeper connection inspired some thoughts on how I view the differences of being alone and feeling alone.  What are the ways that you connect to others, the author asks?

I am blessed with many good friends, a loving husband and a supportive family.  I treasure their warmth and caring as well as the conversations we engage in.  I still treasure my alone time and prefer to look at it as solitude by choice and sometimes by necessity.  I use the time for reflection, self care and rest.  The relationships we develop and grow are a huge interest to me.  This is why I've turned from a career in pharmacy to one of coaching because I wanted to elevate my interactions with people to a deeper level.

For me, the biggest blocker to connecting to people is harboring a general fear of people and allowing sabotaging self talk to undermine the intentions of others.  The more I view others as warm, caring and accepting the easier it is for me to initiate the interactions and grow the connection.  On the flip side, the more I envision others to be hostile or ambivalent, the more I shy away from getting to know them and loneliness ensues. 

The relationships I build are based on a genuine curiosity and concern for each other.  I try to create a balance of really listening (to the words and what's behind the words), sharing of myself with stories or opinion and of course making time to have fun together.  When it feels off balance and I value the relationship, ideally I increase my awareness to where the void might be and make appropriate changes within myself or ask the other for collaboration on how our connection could be better.

Dating CalendarPeople live busy lives. There is a lot to keep track of and a vast majority of people trying to keep their lives in order are turning to technology to help in the form of smart-phones or online calendars.    The phrase "If it's not on the calendar it doesn't exist" is being uttered frequently and seriously.

In a busy world, dating dwindles down to juggling schedules and times of availability.  There is something both romantic and slightly annoying about dating via the calendar. The fun part can be receiving a digitized invitation for a date, the syncing of calendars and the dance of finding a  time that works. It's great to know that mutual effort is going into making a time that will be honored and enjoyed by all.

The problem begins when scheduling becomes so stringent that being spontaneous gets lost. There is potential to miss those memorable moments; the ones that can't be planned for.  The very essence of their magic is in the randomness of the moment.  The key is riding the wave between the benefits of a full schedule that works for you, while allowing space for that unplanned walk in the warm rain.

Host Family in Guatemala
When you don't speak the same language (Me- English, They- Spanish), communicating is frustrating. I've been re-learning Spanish the last few weeks attempting to re-awaken my forgotten high school Spanish classes in an immersion program in Quetzaltenango (Xela), Guatemala.

Conversations at meals with our host family have been a struggle for me.  I am either silent, not sharing much or timidly whispering broken bits of my new found vocabulary.  If this is all I relied on, I'm pretty sure my interactions with the family would be pretty flat.  Luckily, there's body language.  It's amazing how hugs, kisses on the cheeks and smiles really raise the level of connection.  Laughing, even if no one knows why, is another way we've connected to our host family.  Add in "Muchas Gracias" and other small gestures of respect and you're left with an overall sense of connection, warmth and friendliness.

Thank goodness for universal signs of expression!
bored
Recently I had a fun night out with friends, there was a small group of us, so the conversation bounced from person to person and included much laughter and wit.  There was a nice flow to the conversation as people shared personal anecdotes and passing insights. This fluidity came to a halt as one member of the group started in on a story that was very complicated and came with an immense amount of back-story.  The story went on and on and one by one people began to check-out of the ensuing conversation.  First out comes the smart phones to play with, then the glazed eyes and finally no response whatsoever, even to parts that were particularly humorous or entertaining.  By taking so long to tell this story he lost the interest of the other members of the group, disrupting the established flow.

This has happened to me when I have been the story-teller, so wrapped up in my own point to see that I had lost my listeners, and when I look around and realize that no one is really paying attention anymore, it is a deflating feeling.

Here are some suggestions to avoid this all too common conversation stopper.  
  • Stories of length should be edited for your audience, take out any details that are nonessential to the story.  The larger the group, the faster you need to cut to the chase.
  • Watch the body language of others around you; people are giving nonverbal clues of their lack of interest.  A big one is looking at anything other than you -- their watch, phone or around the room.
  • If you find yourself to be on the receiving of a long-winded orator it's okay to say something.  Keep it good-natured and direct, chances are they aren't even aware they have lost their audience. 

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