Written by Kim | 21 September 2009
Posted in Communication

I know, the name throws you off especially since most communication does not seem violent to the majority of us.  Nonviolent Communication or NVC is a model for connecting to others in times of need.  I've just read the book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg and now I'm getting geared up to attend my first workshop intensive Nov. 13-15 here in NYC. 

The basic premise; expressing honestly and receiving empathically using the 4 components of NVC which are: Observation, Feelings, Needs and Requests.

1. Think of any interaction that may have left you feeling unsatisfied. Recall what actually happened and strip away your judgment or opinion of what it means or what you think the other person was intending. 
2. Hold that focus while you try the next step of noticing and identifying your feelings.  To be clear, it's not what you feel about what occurred but what you feel inside yourself such as "I feel angry" or "I feel hurt"  You may notice more than one feeling as you begin to peel the layers away.  For a great list of feelings, click here.
3. Now take inventory of the need or needs that feel stepped on or unfulfilled.  The word needs could also be replaced with the word values.  For example, I have a need or a value around inclusion, fun and freedom.  For a great list of needs, click here.
4. Finally, formulate a specific request that you want the other person or persons to do.  This could simply be asking for someone to tell you how they feel in response to the components you have just expressed or it could be more action oriented such as "Please invite me next time you go out dancing."

The 4-step process is also applied to the other person.  What happened, how you think they feel, what needs are unfulfilled for her and what might they request of you.

The idea is to get away from labeling or judging and instead connect to the feelings and needs within yourself and in others.  That connection allows us all to be truly seen and heard.  It's so simple but simple is not always easy.
Give the exercise a try to further illustrate what NVC is.  If you find this interesting and want to build new ways of communicating especially under duress, check out a free introduction called First Mondays.

Written by Kim | 18 June 2009
Posted in Communication

There are a myriad of greetings present in society. An awkward encounter that happens somewhat frequently is when I lean in for a "kiss on the cheek" greeting while the other throws out a hug and we both end up meeting lip to lip.  How do you react?  My reaction varies depending on the person and their relationship to me.  Usually I laugh and continue on with our interaction or I'll joke either with "yummy!" or "scary."  Sometimes it's an "oops!" if the relationship is fairly new or stiff.

What about the hello hug to a group of people where most everyone is a cherished friend but a couple people are just acquaintances?  Do you hug everyone?  Do you hug who ignites that response and merely shake the others' hands?  Or better yet, hug the close ones with warmth and enthusiasm and hug the fairly new guys with a weird slightly awkward and stiff hug?  

I've done them all.  In the moment a conscious decision usually escapes me and my body just does.  In fact, maybe what's more important is the recovery.  Staying relaxed and enjoying yourself is the key.  If it happens to you I encourage you to not stress.  For those receiving the awkward "kiss" or "hug" it's best for all not to make up a story on how that person "likes" or "dislikes" you.

To me this kind of stuff makes life interesting and unpredictable.  Don't let these things keep you from getting out there and connecting to your fellow human beings.

Written by Chelsea | 29 March 2009
Posted in Communication

    I understand that some women see "chick" as a term of endearment.  For me, it is not one.  I've never heard someone say "Hey, come here 'chick'" and I respond well.  Most of the time the caller in question is just crazy enough to think that it is at all the correct form of acknowledgment.  I am talking about the guys who say "chick" to get my attention from 4 feet away across a crowded sidewalk.  As far as ways to break the ice, this is not one I would recommend.

  Cat-calling, that whistle heard at construction sites and burlesque shows alike, is a different beast.  There are times when cat-calling is appropriate and offers the desired effect of making the recipient feel complimented.  These times, however do not include any point when the whistler is a stranger, and especially a stranger working a couple floors up.  The best times for cat calling is when you are just seeing a friend for a night out together and she is looking fine... that's cat-calling at it's best because it says so much without any words.