Written by Kim | 21 September 2009
Posted in Communication

I know, the name throws you off especially since most communication does not seem violent to the majority of us.  Nonviolent Communication or NVC is a model for connecting to others in times of need.  I've just read the book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg and now I'm getting geared up to attend my first workshop intensive Nov. 13-15 here in NYC. 

The basic premise; expressing honestly and receiving empathically using the 4 components of NVC which are: Observation, Feelings, Needs and Requests.

1. Think of any interaction that may have left you feeling unsatisfied. Recall what actually happened and strip away your judgment or opinion of what it means or what you think the other person was intending. 
2. Hold that focus while you try the next step of noticing and identifying your feelings.  To be clear, it's not what you feel about what occurred but what you feel inside yourself such as "I feel angry" or "I feel hurt"  You may notice more than one feeling as you begin to peel the layers away.  For a great list of feelings, click here.
3. Now take inventory of the need or needs that feel stepped on or unfulfilled.  The word needs could also be replaced with the word values.  For example, I have a need or a value around inclusion, fun and freedom.  For a great list of needs, click here.
4. Finally, formulate a specific request that you want the other person or persons to do.  This could simply be asking for someone to tell you how they feel in response to the components you have just expressed or it could be more action oriented such as "Please invite me next time you go out dancing."

The 4-step process is also applied to the other person.  What happened, how you think they feel, what needs are unfulfilled for her and what might they request of you.

The idea is to get away from labeling or judging and instead connect to the feelings and needs within yourself and in others.  That connection allows us all to be truly seen and heard.  It's so simple but simple is not always easy.
Give the exercise a try to further illustrate what NVC is.  If you find this interesting and want to build new ways of communicating especially under duress, check out a free introduction called First Mondays.